What started out as just three friends standing at the side, feeling the beat of the music and the roar of the drums, we didn’t know where the night will take us nor were our feet prepared to be standing for hours. We decided to head home at around 10pm when I blurted out, “Hey do you guys want to meet the main band, On the Spot?”
I was never good at it and never dwelled on it up until I was in college.
My cousin died of cancer at the age of 20. He was a second year nursing student back then, and he used to write beautiful poetry. He wrote about his classes, his experiences, even his sickness. He wrote about leukemia and how it managed to consume his body as time passed on.
I went to the same school he was in, and i didn’t really expect that poetry would become my medium after writing prose in elementary and high school. But I guess, it stuck because it was something that reminded me of him. It was something that I could say we had in common. It was… Kuya’s thing.
I’ve written almost 50 poems in the past five years, about love, lost, longing, school and whatnot. I don’t really let a lot of people read it because some are too personal. But isn’t it what writing is all about? Conveying an emotion, telling a story, exposing your roots?
Last night, my social anxiety got the best of me. I was getting a headache, I was having a hard time breathing and my head was just whirring with thoughts and emotions. I didn’t know why. I don’t know the exact reason why I was feeling this way. I was overthinking again, a pool of what ifs just came into my brain and knocked me out of my insanity. I lost it.
The first thing I did? I deactivated facebook and messenger and deleted all of my apps, wanting to shut out from the world. I was so afraid of being judged, of being rejected, I needed to breathe. I wanted to be invisible.
At 8pm, I went up my bedroom and lay down on my bed, hugging a pillow for support, texting my friend if he was busy. I called him up and he was on his way to work as the tears began to spill down my eyes and I couldn’t fight the pain that I was feeling. It was a mix of everything that has been happening, of everything that has been said and done. I was hurt, I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I felt lonely and alone. I wanted to shout but I couldn’t let it out. I cried until my body and my mind surrendered and I fell asleep.
I woke up still having that cloud over me. My head hurts, I slept for 12 hours straight but I still felt so tired. Tired of walking this life? Tired of thinking? or just, tired? I need help.
I am officially back to my first love, writing. I was in a hiatus for so long because I have been busy with my review for my board exams that I didn’t really have the time to write nor to update you guys about my whereabouts. A lot of things happened, a lot of places were already visited and here I am again, sitting down, waiting on my cup of tea to seep and writing this one for you all.
- I PASSED THE BOARD EXAM. I finally have those four letters (PTRP) at the end of my name. It was quite an experience since I went through a lot, heartbreaks and whatnot. But no fear, I am licensed and I have given justice to my five years of schooling at Cebu Doctors’ University.
- I AM ON A GAP YEAR. Yes, I have decided that I will not be proceeding to medschool this year. I really wanted some time for myself and for my hobbies. I feel like I was trapped in PT school for so long that all of my creative juices have dried up. I want to write again and I want to travel. It was rather an argument with my family but in the end, they knew they couldn’t force me to proceed right away.
- I HAVE BEEN EXPLORING. Kinda-ish. My tan is definitely not the best since I really have uneven lines here and there (because I don’t really wear bikinis). Idk how I’m going to try and fix my tan. I really am not that confident to strut in a two-piece just yet. I need to work out more. Lol
- I HAVE BEEN VLOGGING. I’m actually giving it a shot and I hope that I don’t get lazy to edit in the future. So far, it’s been good. I think people are liking it. We’ll see what happens!
Probably sums up everything that has been happening so far. If you want to check out my vlogs, I am on Youtube and for more updates about me and whatever it is that I have been up to, go and check out my Facebook page here.
I can’t even remember the last time that I posted something in here. But I am alive and kicking, I can tell you that. I have just been so busy with review that I never really had the time to update my blog. So here is a quick update about my whereabouts and whatnot:
- I finally graduated! Your girl just earned her degree in Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy. Hence, I am currently reviewing for the August board exams at Gold Rank Review Centre here in Cebu. There’s been a wave of exams but it isn’t all bad. The lecturers are good at their job and I applaud how well they discuss each topic without having a guide in hand.
- I didn’t really have a summer break nor did I travel to anywhere interesting. I did, however, go home for a few days to chill. Disclaimer: All I really did was drink and sleep late but I have no regrets on that.
- I did transfer to a new apartment! I bid our two-bedroom apartment (I used to share it with my brother) goodbye along with all of the great memories. I’m honestly gonna miss inviting people over to drink.
- I’m gonna be on HIATUS. Yes, I can’t juggle writing articles/blog posts and studying for the boards. My top priority right now is to get that four letter word (PTRP) at the end of my name and I want to achieve that with flying colours! So wish me luck guys and hopefully in August, I’ll be a licensed Physical Therapist.
- I guess there isn’t that much to update about my life. Should “I met a guy” be an update too? Hahaha but yeah, your girl is just happy right now. The best is yet to come! And I will be writing again once shit is over and I am free to roam the streets of London soon!
With love always,
I wish I wasn’t afraid to die
“I’m not afraid of death.
I blurted out
And I watched as his eyes widened
“I mean, I feel like I can die tomorrow
And be fine with it
He still didn’t say anything
I tried easing him into it
Talked to him about the thoughts
That have been barging in
No, i don’t want to die
But i’m not afraid to die
I made a lot of mistakes
I went through slopes and hills
I fell, I conquered– those bullshit
I loved and got heartbroken
But that’s life isn’t it?
It’s not like I was really giving up
But I think I’ve just had enough
Of the happiness and the laughter
And the dramas here and there
He shook his head
Trying to relax the muscles on his jaw
Clearly thinking I could be crazy
Thinking this girl across from him needed a shrink and not her junior
But he gave his thoughts, his mottos
And words he’d lived by and whatnot
He was religious, you can feel his faith
But I’m too stubborn, too indecisive
It wasn’t gonna be an argument
He didn’t even looked the part
So I went on and on
My mouth never ever shutting
But that pencil case caught the corner of my eye and broke the ice like a nutcracker
And I… paused
I know I don’t have the most perfect skin in the world but I have been there! I have been the victim of millions of pimples colonising my face. Okay, maybe not millions but pimples really do sprout here and there and everywhere especially when I was a third year college student fighting for my life for a degree in Physical Therapy. My face had its ups and downs but that didn’t stop me from looking for products that would really change my skincare game. I have learned that less is more. As you can see I don’t do a Korean Skincare routine or whatever. I realised you just don’t overdo things because it’s only going to make it worse. Trust me! I learned that the hard way.
I’m always going to be too much for people.
Too much to handle, too much to care for, too much to long for
I have baggage, I am heavy, I have all of these fucked up thoughts in my head
I have this sense of bipolar-ness in me that no one could understand
I can love you in a second and hate you by the time the minute is up
I can scribble your name over and over again
wishing for things to finally go as planned but I still find myself being scared
and I scurry and I run because that is what I am good at
I am good at leaving even when I didn’t really stay
I am good at pretending that I can be okay when I know I can’t
when I know I will fight the urge to feel sad yet long for it anyway
I am too much for people
I am too much for myself
I always want to impress those who couldn’t
I always want to be part of the crowd when I can’t
I’m too much, all at the same time
But maybe I don’t have to say sorry
Maybe I don’t have to feel bad or guilty or sad
maybe it’s okay to be like this because I always give my 110 percent
when others can’t even give atleast 1
Maybe it’s okay to chase after infinite things
it’s okay to fight and not fight for someone or something
Maybe it’s okay to be me
Because if people really love and care for you
They’d know you’re not too much
You’re just… okay
I am always writing about sappy and sad emotions and whatnot. But since today is International Day of Happiness, I decided why not write about the things that make me happy. Note: I wrote this down while I was visiting this hospital that I intern at last May-June while waiting for one of my closest staff. This list is not everything of course.
Just Some Of The Little Things That Make Me Happy:
1. Tagging/mentioning me in posts on Facebook and Instagram.
2. Finally getting a great photo after multiple shots.
3. No more duty! (yaaaas finally!)
4. When my crush views my instatory.
5. Sundates. *wink wink
6. Saturday drinking nights with people that I love to be with.
7. When he texts first. *appreciated*
8. Watching Youtube videos.
9. Talking to my loved ones from different parts of the world.
10. Drinking at least 3 cups of tea per day! (not less than please)
11. Writing good poetry.
12. Publishing a blog post.
13. Finding the right pair of socks!
14. Pinning my nameplate on top of the embroidered CDU PT-INTERN on my scrubs.
15. Having time for myself; to think, to write, to be me.
Hi guys! I’ve been idle, I know. For the past week I’ve been serving my extensions at Camp Lapu-Lapu (it’s a military camp hospital). I just haven’t been writing because I don’t really know what to write about. But here’s a quick update again, so you guys know that I am alive and breathing and most importantly… happy despite all odds.