Anyone who is close to my heart knows how fragile I can be once I’ve opened up to someone, once I’ve cried and poured the pain out and basked in all the thoughts that could kill. And I should stop, I should just stop thinking about what may happen and what could be happening and just appreciate the walks and the talks and the silence in between. I shouldn’t overthink things that aren’t worth overthinking about because whatever is in line for you, will eventually find it’s way and you don’t have to force for all of it to come.
But how do I stop? When I’m so used to it. So used to thinking and planning and organising and knowing things. I like assurance. I like it when things go as planned. I like it when I don’t get disappointed. But disappointment is inevitable and I’m always bound to be disappointed because I think too much; it plunges deep within the gyrus of my brain. It’s alarming how I can laugh so much but cry so much within a day.
I remember someone that I used to love. I cried a lot to him, not because of him, but because of life and other things. He understood me even if sometimes the things that I was crying about were only a fraction of what he’s been through. He didn’t judge me for crying over failing a simple exam or a simple quiz even if he has been through sex, lies, alcohol, even drugs just to move on with his life. And I know we’re nothing but two souls who’ve parted and loved others like we did so, but people like these are important. They don’t tell you to get over it because people got it worse. They don’t tell you to shut up and don’t cry because you’ll get through it. But instead they’ll listen to your rants and your dramas no matter how small or how big they are. And I appreciate the people in my life who I can just run to when I need advice, a hug or whatever.
I guess failing revalida for the first time triggered so much emotion. I was crying at this bar, crying at the karaoke place we went to after, crying when my friend whose celebrating her birthday hugged me, crying when another friend arrived, crying when another friend came two hours later. That revalida, it was supposed to be the last one out of four, yet it ticked off as first in the many failures that I will be going through this year. You win some, you lose some. I lost that reva, hopefully I won’t lose myself.