Something Personal.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset
Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I’ve always had commitment issues. All my life I’ve been that person who’s always letting people go. I’m not one who fights for people that I love or have loved. I always believe in the uncertainty that people really are bound to leave somehow, someday, in a lot of ways and I guess I have learned to accept that nobody really stays. My dad left us when I was seven and I think it left a scar somewhere.

Truthfully, I guess it’s a defense mechanism because I don’t want to get hurt but also, I have locked myself up in my own quarantine of unsaid thoughts and feelings. I always say I’m fine, I’ll get over it or I’ve moved on even if I haven’t. I don’t want people to think that I am defined by other people– that I need other people to make me happy. I’ve always loved being strong and independent yet somehow, it creates a void of what ifs and why nots. I am trying to change, trying to open up a little, love a little but I can never deny the fact that I’m still afraid to give in.

I’ve never had a boyfriend not because no guy ever paid attention but because I always let them feel that they’re replaceable; that I don’t need them to flaunt their testosterone & whatever. There were guys who came and made me smile and left before I could even feel their presence, some who stayed yet not long enough to fight for them, and others who stopped by just to say hi for such a short while. I’ve been so used to the temporariness of it all that it’s hard for me to believe when someone actually wants to break through the barrier.

But maybe I want that. I want someone to break down these walls and make an effort to know not just the superficial. I don’t want the usual knick-knacks. I want conversations at 3 am; deep thoughts that echo through your brain. You don’t need to flatter me with wealth nor material things, I guess I just need to know your soul and that’ll be enough

 

 

 

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