I’ve always had commitment issues. All my life I’ve been that person who’s always letting people go. I’m not one who fights for people that I love or have loved. I always believe in the uncertainty that people really are bound to leave somehow, someday, in a lot of ways and I guess I have learned to accept that nobody really stays. My dad left us when I was seven and I think it left a scar somewhere.
Truthfully, I guess it’s a defense mechanism because I don’t want to get hurt but also, I have locked myself up in my own quarantine of unsaid thoughts and feelings. I always say I’m fine, I’ll get over it or I’ve moved on even if I haven’t. I don’t want people to think that I am defined by other people– that I need other people to make me happy. I’ve always loved being strong and independent yet somehow, it creates a void of what ifs and why nots. I am trying to change, trying to open up a little, love a little but I can never deny the fact that I’m still afraid to give in.
I’ve never had a boyfriend not because no guy ever paid attention but because I always let them feel that they’re replaceable; that I don’t need them to flaunt their testosterone & whatever. There were guys who came and made me smile and left before I could even feel their presence, some who stayed yet not long enough to fight for them, and others who stopped by just to say hi for such a short while. I’ve been so used to the temporariness of it all that it’s hard for me to believe when someone actually wants to break through the barrier.
But maybe I want that. I want someone to break down these walls and make an effort to know not just the superficial. I don’t want the usual knick-knacks. I want conversations at 3 am; deep thoughts that echo through your brain. You don’t need to flatter me with wealth nor material things, I guess I just need to know your soul and that’ll be enough