Part One

I wish I didn’t feel lonely.

Hi—
How long has it been?
I don’t remember the last time we talked
No, not short conversations
but those that dive within
September? Was that it?
When we went out to study
And ended up having dinner
and gelato
When we walked from one place
to another
Just enjoying each other’s company

and now we’re back at square one
when loneliness struck and I needed
a friend
I needed to cry
And your place was the only place
I could go to at 11 pm

I had a few glasses of beer
Though it didn’t numb the emotions
It revved through my brain like an engine
It was alive, at that hour
I fought the urge to cry

But I coulnd’t hold it
and there I was
I knocked on your door
Waited for the tears to come spilling down
You asked, “what’s up?”
“Sorry.” Was what I replied.
“Sorry for barging in so late.”

I didn’t exactly know why I was sad
Maybe, it was me overthinking things again
My anxiety creeping in
Sliding past through the restraints
It knocked off all of the sunshine
And replaced it all with acid and dust

I sat down on the couch
Propped my feet up, hugging my legs towards my hoodie
And pondered on that crappy day
The crappy few days
And how I wished it all to go away

I couldn’t cry just yet
Some part of me was shy
To feel vulnerable, to feel exposed
You saw me as happy when all along
I was sadness wrapped up in a blanket

I wanted to utter something but I hesitated
“I can’t bring myself to cry because you’re here,
and I think it may or may not be a good thing”
I messaged you on facebook
And you broke the silence by laughing
And smiling; that smile of yours

“What happened?” you asked me
and as I started to explain why
water spilled down my eyes like a river
I was choking in my own tears
And you knew you couldn’t console me
No one could console me
I was whimpering like a child

You closed the door to lull the sound
And got a glass, filled it up with water
“Drink up.”
I was catching my own breath
As I gulped, I waited for myself to calm down

You didn’t say a word
For a minute; for two, for three
Until I wiped my tears on my hoodie
And sat across from you on the table
And I spoke up.

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