Hi guys! How is everyone been doing? I don’t know exactly know how I have been but I guess, I’m feeling okay. I’ve just been sleeping most mornings and going places at night. So, life update?
I don’t miss you anymore
Not your smile, not your laugh
Not the late night talks
And the secrecy
I don’t miss hw we stare
At the open sea
At the moon that glimmers
On the surface
I don’t miss the stars
Two lost souls
Parked too close to the edge
It lingers for one last touch
One last kiss
On and on and on
This went on
For months, for days
Why did I even stay?
When I should have left
Right from the beginning
When I should have known
I’d fall and shatter
I don’t miss the way
You made me feel unloved
And loved at the same time
I confused bullshit
From the truth
I don’t miss the words
That come out o your mouth
The reassurance that
You’d never leave
The way they did
I don’t miss the way
I loved you
We’re better off
I’m better off
She’s better off
That I don’t miss
you any longer.
I wish I didn’t feel lonely.
How long has it been?
I don’t remember the last time we talked
No, not short conversations
but those that dive within
September? Was that it?
When we went out to study
And ended up having dinner
When we walked from one place
Just enjoying each other’s company
and now we’re back at square one
when loneliness struck and I needed
I needed to cry
And your place was the only place
I could go to at 11 pm
I had a few glasses of beer
Though it didn’t numb the emotions
It revved through my brain like an engine
It was alive, at that hour
I fought the urge to cry
But I coulnd’t hold it
and there I was
I knocked on your door
Waited for the tears to come spilling down
You asked, “what’s up?”
“Sorry.” Was what I replied.
“Sorry for barging in so late.”
I didn’t exactly know why I was sad
Maybe, it was me overthinking things again
My anxiety creeping in
Sliding past through the restraints
It knocked off all of the sunshine
And replaced it all with acid and dust
I sat down on the couch
Propped my feet up, hugging my legs towards my hoodie
And pondered on that crappy day
The crappy few days
And how I wished it all to go away
I couldn’t cry just yet
Some part of me was shy
To feel vulnerable, to feel exposed
You saw me as happy when all along
I was sadness wrapped up in a blanket
I wanted to utter something but I hesitated
“I can’t bring myself to cry because you’re here,
and I think it may or may not be a good thing”
I messaged you on facebook
And you broke the silence by laughing
And smiling; that smile of yours
“What happened?” you asked me
and as I started to explain why
water spilled down my eyes like a river
I was choking in my own tears
And you knew you couldn’t console me
No one could console me
I was whimpering like a child
You closed the door to lull the sound
And got a glass, filled it up with water
I was catching my own breath
As I gulped, I waited for myself to calm down
You didn’t say a word
For a minute; for two, for three
Until I wiped my tears on my hoodie
And sat across from you on the table
And I spoke up.
Someone once told me that I am one of the most honest person that they know. And I guess I really did appreciate the compliment even if he’s had a couple shots of Bacardi black and was singing his heart out to the rhythm of the guitar.
I’ve always had commitment issues. All my life I’ve been that person who’s always letting people go. I’m not one who fights for people that I love or have loved. I always believe in the uncertainty that people really are bound to leave somehow, someday, in a lot of ways and I guess I have learned to accept that nobody really stays. My dad left us when I was seven and I think it left a scar somewhere.
Anyone who is close to my heart knows how fragile I can be once I’ve opened up to someone, once I’ve cried and poured the pain out and basked in all the thoughts that could kill. And I should stop, I should just stop thinking about what may happen and what could be happening and just appreciate the walks and the talks and the silence in between. I shouldn’t overthink things that aren’t worth overthinking about because whatever is in line for you, will eventually find it’s way and you don’t have to force for all of it to come.
Disclaimer: NO FROZEN BANANAS IN THIS RECIPE. I will be putting the brands I used so you guys don’t ask me in the future (though I love answering queries.) All of the ingredients are from Rustan’s Fresh Supermarket.
Life has been on the down low lately. Though I don’t show it at school or at the hospital, whenever I come home and change into my clothes and lie on my bed, I fight the urge to cry every time. Emotions keep on pouring in and I don’t even know where they are coming from. Maybe it’s the stress? But I’m not that stressed out these days so I don’t even know anymore. In all honesty, life has been great. It had its worst days but I’m still living & breathing smiles & laughs yet somehow, there’s still that pulsating thought of sadness, longing & even self-pity. I did cry last night, I didn’t know what else to do and when I was done I distracted myself with movies and waited for a calm mind.
I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind. I have been thinking about what’s too come too much that I may or may not be enjoying the present. I know it’s good to think about the future, but what about now? What about tomorrow, this day, this hour, this minute? I feel like I am wasting my time too much thinking and wondering and daydreaming. Is it the lack of patients in the rehab? The boredom and the slow pace of the clock just makes your brain wire into thoughts. Continue reading “Idle.”
I haven’t been on my blog, I know. I have been so caught up with school and whatnot. I know I owe my blog some serious love so here it is. It’s sembreak finally and I can breathe for atleast two weeks before I start trotting my way to Internship (hopefully).
I have been active on instagram though. So if you guys want updates you can go check me there. I write poetry with my pictures and I hope you guys love it just as much as I do.
To more updates soon