siargaodump (12 of 14)

I am at peace
For the longest time I thought
Peace was elsewhere
Peace was a place
Peace was with someone else
Peace was a person
Peace was out there, somewhere
Hidden amongst the clouds
Scattered away by rain
Vaporized by the sun
But I’ve searched for it out in the world
And I didn’t find it anywhere but here;
in my heart, in my mind
I found it in loose threads & I sewed it together slowly, with every part of my being
I took my time to patch the little holes
Where sadness would peep through
Where loneliness could come creeping in
Again & again, I did this day by day
Weeping some days out of happiness
While some days out of hate
There were minor setbacks;
Though none that could break the seams
They were there to remind me
that I am human, that I have emotions
That even with the seldom streams of tears
Being at peace, My peace;
Makes every frustration seem small


Espresso Martini for brunch.

kimchi (2 of 1)
I knew I was not getting into just a coffee binge when I visited my friend Nico’s coffee shop in Ormoc City. I was quite hungover from the night before since I went out drinking with my friends and I was running on just 3 hours of sleep when I went aboard Ocean Jet for my three hour trip. As the boat docked and I got down, my stomach started rumbling, time check: it was 10am and I need to eat asap. It was quite hard to find a tricycle that knew where Unit 1A was, and I tried my best to explain the directions as instructed by my friend.
The café had glass walls and an eco-friendly feel to it. I went inside and settled in the corner facing the road. I ordered Nico’s recommendations, Kimchi Fried Rice and wait for it… Espresso Martini. I honestly was reading it when I just realized that Martini meant it had alcohol as an ingredient. But I guess, I’m really the adventurous type, because even if I could still feel the Jim Bean that I drank the night before gurgling in my stomach, I ordered it… with a shot of Patron (Tequila). Wow, I know. That’s one hell of an alcoholic beverage.
As soon as that espresso martini arrived at my table, I could smell the strong aroma of alcohol. Should I still drink it? I asked myself trying to weigh the pros and cons. But I paid 190 pesos for my coffee, I should definitely take a sip, at least. As soon as the liquid went down my throat I could feel my brain buzz, phew! You know what it tastes like? ALCOHOL! With a bit of coffee. Think of Bailey’s but with a lot more kick to it. Imagine drinking this one for brunch and venturing on a six-hour van ride home to Eastern Samar.
As the fried rice was served, I hoped that it would managed my current digestive system situation. And thank goodness, that Kimchi Fried Rice was divine which one should definitely try at Unit1A. It was a mass of orange-ish colored rice, some veggies and pork cutlets topped with a sunny side up all wrapped in savory and salty goodness. It was a perfect brunch on a bright mid morning in Ormoc City. As I chowed down and thought of the ways that I could further gulp that half-finished espresso martini smiling at me at the side of my main course, I could actually feel the alcohol settle in and let the coffee take over. My mood suddenly changed from this day-drinking lady who probably didn’t have anything else going on with her life to this person who is ready to conquer the world and whatnot. It was much like an encounter with Jager and Redbull but this time around I could remember everything.
After I finished eating, I made sure I savored my first time at Unit1A… like staying for their fast internet connection (haha). But the cool and minimalistic vibe that Nico had on his café was definitely hangout worthy.
So go check out Unit 1A when you happen to be in Ormoc City! Plus, I just tried their COLD BREW and it was the best one, so far!
PS. Unit1A’s Espresso Martini is vodka-based but the owner (Nico) gave me a shot of Patron instead lol
PPS. Nico’s cold brew is also available at Quality Bread Bakeshop and Cafen at Primark Tacloban! So if you don’t want to travel 2 hours to Ormoc, Primark has it for you and its just as good!
Check out Unit 1A’s page here
Unit 1a Bakery and Café
Instagram @unit1a
With love,
@beyscapades / @beyscuit
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I know when the sun sets

You’ll tell me you love me

When no one’s looking and what’s left is

Our bodies etched between what ifs and regrets

I know when you stare

Those eyes will haunt me till I sleep

When your touch has left marks everywhere

Like secrets we never can keep

I know when you smile

It’ll be too late for me to step back

It’s a whirlwind, it’s a blackhole

Itching past the blinds before they turn black

I know when the morning comes

We wouldn’t even speak

Who am I and who are you

We’re two people unlikely to meet

I know when you leave

I’d feel numb to my core

You were bad, you were good

And here we are wanting more

Do people even like poetry?

I was never good at it and never dwelled on it up until I was in college.

My cousin died of cancer at the age of 20. He was a second year nursing student back then, and he used to write beautiful poetry. He wrote about his classes, his experiences, even his sickness. He wrote about leukemia and how it managed to consume his body as time passed on.

I went to the same school he was in, and i didn’t really expect that poetry would become my medium after writing prose in elementary and high school. But I guess, it stuck because it was something that reminded me of him. It was something that I could say we had in common. It was… Kuya’s thing.

I’ve written almost 50 poems in the past five years, about love, lost, longing, school and whatnot. I don’t really let a lot of people read it because some are too personal. But isn’t it what writing is all about? Conveying an emotion, telling a story, exposing your roots?

📸 MarkE

Part Two

I wish I wasn’t afraid to die

“I’m not afraid of death.
I blurted out
And I watched as his eyes widened
“I mean, I feel like I can die tomorrow
And be fine with it
He still didn’t say anything
I tried easing him into it
Talked to him about the thoughts
That have been barging in
No, i don’t want to die
But i’m not afraid to die
I made a lot of mistakes
I went through slopes and hills
I fell, I conquered– those bullshit
I loved and got heartbroken
But that’s life isn’t it?
It’s not like I was really giving up
But I think I’ve just had enough
Of the happiness and the laughter
And the dramas here and there
He shook his head
Trying to relax the muscles on his jaw
Clearly thinking I could be crazy
Thinking this girl across from him needed a shrink and not her junior
But he gave his thoughts, his mottos
And words he’d lived by and whatnot
He was religious, you can feel his faith
But I’m too stubborn, too indecisive
It wasn’t gonna be an argument
He didn’t even looked the part
So I went on and on
My mouth never ever shutting
But that pencil case caught the corner of my eye and broke the ice like a nutcracker
And I… paused

I don’t have to feel sorry.

I’m always going to be too much for people.

Too much to handle, too much to care for, too much to long for

I have baggage, I am heavy, I have all of these fucked up thoughts in my head

I have this sense of bipolar-ness in me that no one could understand

I can love you in a second and hate you by the time the minute is up

I can scribble your name over and over again

wishing for things to finally go as planned but I still find myself being scared

and I scurry and I run because that is what I am good at

I am good at leaving even when I didn’t really stay

I am good at pretending that I can be okay when I know I can’t

when I know I will fight the urge to feel sad yet long for it anyway

I am too much for people

I am too much for myself

I always want to impress those who couldn’t

I always want to be part of the crowd when I can’t

I’m too much, all at the same time

But maybe I don’t have to say sorry

Maybe I don’t have to feel bad or guilty or sad

maybe it’s okay to be like this because I always give my 110 percent

when others can’t even give atleast 1

Maybe it’s okay to chase after infinite things

it’s okay to fight and not fight for someone or something

Maybe it’s okay to be me

Because if people really love and care for you

They’d know you’re not too much

You’re just… okay

I shouldn’t write just because I’m sad.

June 2017. Ormoc Airport. Unedited.

Hi guys! I’ve been idle, I know. For the past week I’ve been serving my extensions at Camp Lapu-Lapu (it’s a military camp hospital). I just haven’t been writing because I don’t really know what to write about. But here’s a quick update again, so you guys know that I am alive and breathing and most importantly… happy despite all odds.

Continue reading “I shouldn’t write just because I’m sad.”

Walls unbroken.

He’s lucky, you know
I chase after him even if I don’t chase people any longer
When I stopped fighting for those who wouldn’t fight for me
When I told myself I’d never ever go for the uncertainty again
Yet here I am, I’m allowing myself to break those principles
Wanting to keep him here
Between two thin lines of our friendship
Both of us pretending we don’t know what I feel about him
And I guess this has to end
It has to end somehow
I have to distance myself from all of this
Before I start crashing again
I have to stop longing for his presence
And the comfort he brings
I have to let him go before it breaks my heart to do so


I don’t miss you anymore
Not your smile, not your laugh
Not the late night talks
And the secrecy
I don’t miss hw we stare
At the open sea
At the moon that glimmers
On the surface
I don’t miss the stars
Watching over
Two lost souls
Parked too close to the edge
It lingers for one last touch
One last kiss
On and on and on
This went on
For months, for days
Why did I even stay?
When I should have left
Right from the beginning
When I should have known
I’d fall and shatter
I don’t miss the way
You made me feel unloved
And loved at the same time
I confused bullshit
From the truth
I don’t miss the words
That come out o your mouth
The reassurance that
You’d never leave
The way they did
I don’t miss the way
I loved you
We’re better off
I’m better off
She’s better off
That I don’t miss
you any longer.

Part One

I wish I didn’t feel lonely.

How long has it been?
I don’t remember the last time we talked
No, not short conversations
but those that dive within
September? Was that it?
When we went out to study
And ended up having dinner
and gelato
When we walked from one place
to another
Just enjoying each other’s company

and now we’re back at square one
when loneliness struck and I needed
a friend
I needed to cry
And your place was the only place
I could go to at 11 pm

I had a few glasses of beer
Though it didn’t numb the emotions
It revved through my brain like an engine
It was alive, at that hour
I fought the urge to cry

But I coulnd’t hold it
and there I was
I knocked on your door
Waited for the tears to come spilling down
You asked, “what’s up?”
“Sorry.” Was what I replied.
“Sorry for barging in so late.”

I didn’t exactly know why I was sad
Maybe, it was me overthinking things again
My anxiety creeping in
Sliding past through the restraints
It knocked off all of the sunshine
And replaced it all with acid and dust

I sat down on the couch
Propped my feet up, hugging my legs towards my hoodie
And pondered on that crappy day
The crappy few days
And how I wished it all to go away

I couldn’t cry just yet
Some part of me was shy
To feel vulnerable, to feel exposed
You saw me as happy when all along
I was sadness wrapped up in a blanket

I wanted to utter something but I hesitated
“I can’t bring myself to cry because you’re here,
and I think it may or may not be a good thing”
I messaged you on facebook
And you broke the silence by laughing
And smiling; that smile of yours

“What happened?” you asked me
and as I started to explain why
water spilled down my eyes like a river
I was choking in my own tears
And you knew you couldn’t console me
No one could console me
I was whimpering like a child

You closed the door to lull the sound
And got a glass, filled it up with water
“Drink up.”
I was catching my own breath
As I gulped, I waited for myself to calm down

You didn’t say a word
For a minute; for two, for three
Until I wiped my tears on my hoodie
And sat across from you on the table
And I spoke up.