I thought when I learned how to choose, he’d choose me back. But things just don’t go as expected. Hollow– I tried to push the thought away. I didn’t want to be unhappy. There were so many wonderful things going on in my life at that time and just when I thought he’d be the year-ender plot twist, he wasn’t. Maybe I didn’t think all of this through or maybe I had known it all along and I just wanted to hear him say that he couldn’t be with me.
For months we have bonded over 30 minute dinner outs to overnight tagay sessions and I didn’t notice that this go-with-flow easy-to-be-with person would have a sappy depressed side that I would cling to. I thought we understood each other on a certain level but I guess it was all in my head. Because there I was, asking you if you would date me and you said “No”. I accepted it right then and there but you quipped, “That was a made up answer because you are being weird right now.” I wasn’t being weird. YOU were being weird. I have confessed the certain liking that I was developing and there you were telling me that I was fooling around. I don’t fool around like you do and you knew that. But I know you’re a coward and you’re too broken from the past to commit.
And I guess that was one of the things why I liked you.
What started out as just three friends standing at the side, feeling the beat of the music and the roar of the drums, we didn’t know where the night will take us nor were our feet prepared to be standing for hours. We decided to head home at around 10pm when I blurted out, “Hey do you guys want to meet the main band, On the Spot?”
I was never good at it and never dwelled on it up until I was in college.
My cousin died of cancer at the age of 20. He was a second year nursing student back then, and he used to write beautiful poetry. He wrote about his classes, his experiences, even his sickness. He wrote about leukemia and how it managed to consume his body as time passed on.
I went to the same school he was in, and i didn’t really expect that poetry would become my medium after writing prose in elementary and high school. But I guess, it stuck because it was something that reminded me of him. It was something that I could say we had in common. It was… Kuya’s thing.
I’ve written almost 50 poems in the past five years, about love, lost, longing, school and whatnot. I don’t really let a lot of people read it because some are too personal. But isn’t it what writing is all about? Conveying an emotion, telling a story, exposing your roots?
Last night, my social anxiety got the best of me. I was getting a headache, I was having a hard time breathing and my head was just whirring with thoughts and emotions. I didn’t know why. I don’t know the exact reason why I was feeling this way. I was overthinking again, a pool of what ifs just came into my brain and knocked me out of my insanity. I lost it.
The first thing I did? I deactivated facebook and messenger and deleted all of my apps, wanting to shut out from the world. I was so afraid of being judged, of being rejected, I needed to breathe. I wanted to be invisible.
At 8pm, I went up my bedroom and lay down on my bed, hugging a pillow for support, texting my friend if he was busy. I called him up and he was on his way to work as the tears began to spill down my eyes and I couldn’t fight the pain that I was feeling. It was a mix of everything that has been happening, of everything that has been said and done. I was hurt, I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I felt lonely and alone. I wanted to shout but I couldn’t let it out. I cried until my body and my mind surrendered and I fell asleep.
I woke up still having that cloud over me. My head hurts, I slept for 12 hours straight but I still felt so tired. Tired of walking this life? Tired of thinking? or just, tired? I need help.
I wish I wasn’t afraid to die
“I’m not afraid of death.
I blurted out
And I watched as his eyes widened
“I mean, I feel like I can die tomorrow
And be fine with it
He still didn’t say anything
I tried easing him into it
Talked to him about the thoughts
That have been barging in
No, i don’t want to die
But i’m not afraid to die
I made a lot of mistakes
I went through slopes and hills
I fell, I conquered– those bullshit
I loved and got heartbroken
But that’s life isn’t it?
It’s not like I was really giving up
But I think I’ve just had enough
Of the happiness and the laughter
And the dramas here and there
He shook his head
Trying to relax the muscles on his jaw
Clearly thinking I could be crazy
Thinking this girl across from him needed a shrink and not her junior
But he gave his thoughts, his mottos
And words he’d lived by and whatnot
He was religious, you can feel his faith
But I’m too stubborn, too indecisive
It wasn’t gonna be an argument
He didn’t even looked the part
So I went on and on
My mouth never ever shutting
But that pencil case caught the corner of my eye and broke the ice like a nutcracker
And I… paused
He’s lucky, you know
I chase after him even if I don’t chase people any longer
When I stopped fighting for those who wouldn’t fight for me
When I told myself I’d never ever go for the uncertainty again
Yet here I am, I’m allowing myself to break those principles
Wanting to keep him here
Between two thin lines of our friendship
Both of us pretending we don’t know what I feel about him
And I guess this has to end
It has to end somehow
I have to distance myself from all of this
Before I start crashing again
I have to stop longing for his presence
And the comfort he brings
I have to let him go before it breaks my heart to do so
Not for the guy I met in April
With the sideburns and a smile
I was naïve, it was exciting
To have locked unto his eyes
He was smart, he was charming
But he was blunt to my demise
and in the end, it really was nothing
but a girl’s first crush in a while